How can I help families I Home Teach understand the importance of the visits?
Question
Gramps,
I’ve got two families that don’t seem to want home teachers to come. They tell me we can set something up when I see them in person.Yet never respond to texts or phone calls, And when I just stop by they are always busy and never invite us in. I am frustrated because I want them to enjoy the blessings of home teaching and I feel by their behavior I am losing out on blessings as well. What should I do?
Dev
Answer
Dear Dev,
I commend your for your effort to be a good home teacher and serve the Lord.
Pres. Monson had some counsel that could be helpful here:
Abraham Lincoln offered this wise counsel, which surely applies to home teachers: “If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.” President Ezra Taft Benson urged: “Above all, be a genuine friend to the individuals and families you teach.”
As the Savior declared to us, “I will call you friends, for you are my friends.” A friend makes more than a dutiful visit each month. A friend is more concerned about helping people than getting credit. A friend cares. A friend loves. A friend listens. And a friend reaches out.
Home Teaching-A Divine Service
The first step in being a friend to these families may be to appreciate that they do not have a testimony of home teaching. They may not be interested in religion at all, or may be attending another church. From their point of view, they have no need of your visits. Being a friend means trying to understand where they are coming from.
Next, you need to try to build a relationship of trust. Let them know that you want to get to know them and will accept them as they are. I know you want to teach them a lesson and see them return to church, but suppose for a moment you are a football fan. How likely would you be to invite someone into your home who just wants to talk to you about the opera? On the other hand, if you have a FRIEND, who happens to like the opera, you would likely invite them over and even let them talk about the opera-a little.
How to you become a friend to someone who is avoiding you? It’s not easy, and it will take time and patience. The most important thing to do is pray and ask the Lord how to become their friend. He knows them, and loves them. He can guide you. He might inspire you to take them cookies, veggies from your garden, or potted flowers for their garden. Perhaps you will feel prompted to send a friendly letter monthly, or offer to mow their lawn, shovel their driveway etc.
Human nature is such that if they perceive you to be someone who genuinely cares about them, rather than someone who is fulfilling a role, they will likely return the gesture of friendship. There is a couple in my ward who treated their home teacher much as you describe. He persisted though and eventually they started letting him in. He became their friend. The wife also had wonderful visiting teachers that did the same. Eventually strong friendships were formed, and when the couple was ready, they began to attend church. Recently they were sealed in the temple.
Not all of these stories have picture perfect endings like this. Some people will never return or even let you in the door regardless of what you do–be their friend anyway. The Lord will not judge you on whether or not your home teaching families come to church, what He is concerned with is how you serve Him by loving them. Just love them to the best of your ability and the Lord will be pleased with your efforts.
Beat of luck,
Gramps
Dev,
Gramps is correct here. If you want to have any influence with anyone, you must first be a friend. If you are only a friend as long as someone obeys the commandments, goes to church, does what you want, or anything else, you are NOT a friend, at all.
If you can set church and everything else aside and say and know in your heart that you love a person for who they are, despite any potential character flaws and failings, and desire to help them regardless if they care about the gospel or not for the sole fact that they are your brother or sister in the great family of God, then you are a TRUE friend.
Unfortunately, there are a number of people in the church who fit into the first example. If someone stops going to church, for example, they dump them like they are trash, don’t visit them, and spread rumors about them. This ought not to be and this is definitely NOT friendship in any way, shape, or form.
One thing I have sometimes questioned is how a missionary goes out and learns to love his fellow man where he serves and then upon returning home he loses that same love.
Frankly, some of the most kind and honest people I have met were inactive or non-members. Some people who have gone inactive I know have simply hit a rough patch at church with their children being beat on by other kids in primary or young men, and so on. I have also seen some instances of gossiping among the young women and that is going to make pretty much any young girl feel uncomfortable going to church if she finds out she is the subject of it. Sadly, some adults aren’t any better about it than their juvenile children…
Sometimes the reason for inactivity goes much deeperーa suicide in the family, a divorce (and how people perceive them at church), a tragic death of a loved one that causes one to question why God would take them away, etc.
I can only imagine that’s why President Monson uttered those two words with such force in his 2010 general conference talk when he said: “JUDGE NOT!” He also quoted Mother Teresa when she said, “If you judge people, you have no time to love them.”
Remember the saying: Birds of a feather flock together.
People gather where they feel comfortable, and if you are a friend, they will come to you. All I can say is that if we ALL truly lived our religion like the prophets have said time and time again, the church would have plenty more than 15 million members right now; the same goes for numbers of temples. In fact, it is my belief that people all over the world would flock to the church in droves if we would hold up our lights a little higher, keep the commandments a little better, and love our fellow man/woman a little deeper. “Why then and not now when we already have the fullness of the gospel?” you may ask. But the answer is really simple. It is because they would see our GOODNESS for what it is, unstifled. Active member, inactive member, or non-member, I believe there is a spark within people (unless we have extinguished it) that we sometimes refer to as the “Light of Christ.” That same spark is attracted to other sparks.
As proof of that, D&C 80:40 states: “…light cleaveth unto light…” And if you are a TRUE friend who acts no hypocrisy, you radiate the light of God to which people will gather. You can also be sure that’s why people gathered to the Savior the way they did.