How can I help my husband understand the importance of temple garments?
Question
Hi Gramps,
I have looked through all of the questions I could find on your website about temple garments and have had a little clarity, but not answered my question completely. My husband is a recent convert to the church. He was baptized in March of 2015. We were sealed in the temple this past March 2016. Since then he has become a little “disenchanted” with the church. He doesn’t want to go to the temple and feels he doesn’t need to. He wears the temple garments but doesn’t see why he has to. He doesn’t understand what the purpose is and why we have to wear them all of the time. He finds them “horrible and uncomfortable”. I have a difficult time answering his questions. He loved the church, the gospel, was prayerful, studied scripture, loved going to church, etc. Now he says there are people there who pressure you, expect too much of you, and don’t practice what they preach. He said he doesn’t want to go anymore and thinks that he just made himself believe because it’s what he thought I wanted and because he wanted to believe. I don’t know what to tell him. I don’t know how to handle this. How does one go from where he was to where he is today? He doesn’t think he needs to wear the garments all of the time. He said they are hot, uncomfortable, and miserable. Help?
Michelle
Answer
Dear Michelle,
I’m so sorry that you are in this painful situation. I don’t know what is troubling your husband, but I believe it is something beyond wearing garments. As you said, it’s not just the garment wearing, but he doesn’t want to attend church anymore, or pray or study the scriptures. We’ve been taught that wearing the garment is an outward expression of an inner commitment, so it is not surprising that when the gospel, scriptures, prayer, and service become uncomfortable and miserable the garment does as well.
The garment is a symbol and reminder of our covenants much like a wedding ring. The rings we exchange are an outward witness of an inner commitment to our spouse. Similarly, garments are a symbol of the covenants we have made with God. This commitment is personal; it’s between us and God, not for the world. Thus garments are worn next to the skin, not outwardly for show. Each time we put on the garment it is as if we are reaffirming that we remember and will keep the covenants we have made. When our desire to keep those covenants wanes, so does our desire to wear the garment.
So why have your husband’s feelings toward the church and his covenants changed? Only he can answer that. We should be careful not to make assumptions about that. President Uchtdorf talked about this, he said,
“One might ask, ‘If the gospel is so wonderful, why would anyone leave?’
Sometimes we assume it is because they have been offended or lazy or sinful. Actually, it is not that simple. In fact, there is not just one reason that applies to the variety of situations.” Come, Join with Us
I know you want to help him, and that is right. The question is what is the best way to do so?
I think that it is helpful to think of a testimony like a house. You can go in and fix the roof, replace all the windows, and redo the floors, but all of that will be useless if the foundation is not strong. A gospel testimony needs a solid foundation too. That foundation is Jesus Christ. Does your husband still believe in Christ? If not, then that is where to start. If he still believes in Christ then the next “layer” is the Book of Mormon, because it testifies of Christ, but also if it is true, then Joseph Smith was a prophet, and this is Christ’s church on the earth. And so it goes, step by step until you find where the crack in the foundation is or where the termites are so to speak. Too often we try to solve problems by treating the symptoms, but to truly resolve a problem we need to go to the cause. When the foundation of Christ is in place other things, like wearing the garment, fall into place naturally.
Love your husband, and stand by him. Don’t push, be patient. There are many examples in the scriptures of those who loved the Lord but fell away, and then later returned. Don’t give up, and keep praying, The Lord will sustain you and bless you,
Gramps
If he finds the garments uncomfortable, he might try one of the other fabric types. I can’t stand anything but 100% cotton for my garment tops. I tried one of the others and it was just too itchy. Also, I did not like the low neckline style. I got the crew tops that come up high like the t-shirts I used to wear, and I am very happy. I don’t know of any reason why you cannot mix and match different fabric types and styles between the tops and the bottoms. This brother needs to investigate all of the fabrics, types and styles available.
He may be getting mixed up between the Church is true and some people Are not. People are human, make mistakes. The Gospel is true. Always will be. But sometimes we put too much faith in fellow church members, forgetting that they are human, like all of us and can make mistakes.
The garments for men are , in style, identical to modern mainstream under wear. The same cannot be said for women. I appreciate that within women’s mainstream underwear there are extreme variations but surely there must be a middle ground. They are uncomfortable and also if worn 24 hours a day, even if changed morning and night, not really healthy. Many more LDS women get yeast infections. Health advisors advise not wearing anything around the genital area at night. even if nightwear is worn. Surely in bed with our husbands we don’t need a garment to remind us we are married? Also I know Bishops who have told member to try and wear them but to leave them off at night particularly if they get too hot. Common sense surely has to come first?
Liz, I think you are taking quite a leap without any scientific or medical backing. “Many more LDS women get yeast infections.” You didn’t cite the study you got this from. Plus more compared to whom? I believe most women in America and probably the world go to bed with something over their genitals so if that causes yeast infections LDS women would not be that much higher then the rest of the world that wears undergarments. “Health advisers advise not wearing anything around the genital area at night.” Once again no citations I couldn’t find anything on the CDC and the only thing I found was from live science magazine that quoted a doctor saying, “In general most women do not need to worry about going to bed in their underwear.” It then spoke of a minority who had a tendency to get yeast infections. I think you are using quasi-science to try to prove your agenda which is never beneficial. For most people, wearing garments is perfectly healthy.
It’s important to also remember that wearing the garment is an outward symbol of our commitment to covenants made to our Father in Heaven and not a symbol of being married. Many unmarried members wear garments. I have never had a bishop tell me that’s it’s okay to not wear the garment at night. They always read or quote the first presidency message that says to wear the garment day and night. The garment itself isn’t perfect. It can be uncomfortable and hot at times, and all bodies fit them differently. Patterns used to make the garment are always being improved on because of this. But I have learned for myself that God is aware of this fact and blesses me as I strive to keep my covenants with him despite challenges. There are many advantages to the garment too if you look for them. I try to focus on that.
I never wear garments at night. Very unhealthful!
Where is your evidence to back up your claim? I’ve worn garments for almost 10 years now. I wear them day and night. Although I had yeast infections prior to wearing garments, I have not had a single infection since I started wearing them. Just like regular underwear, you do need to wash them and keep them clean, as well as change them regularly. I know lots of non-LDS women who get yeast infections regularly. It has a lot more to do with your personal body chemistry than what type of underwear you wear.
Perhaps Roberta has made this choice based on HER experience. YOUR experience to her is irrelevant.
She claimed it was “very unhealthful”. That was the claim I was asking about. She made a pretty broad, blanket statement that garments are unhealthy to wear.
Thank you for responding. You message helps me a lot. I will continue to do as I’m doing and pray, love, and support him too. Thank you so much for taking time to help. I appreciate all of the other responses in the comments as well.