Why should we commit to eternal marriage while still young and naive?
Question
Gramps,
Why do we make the choice of who we will be with for “all eternity” in a state of existence where we have the veil, are still developing and changing who we are, and are still so naive in our understanding and learning? The longer I am married I realize how very different in beliefs and desires my husband and I are. I am discouraged at the thought that I blew my “one” chance of who to marry. I wish so badly I could have a second chance. But it is impossible to know the future. Seems so unfair.
Ann
Answer
Dear Ann,
All I can offer you is speculation, but if you are interested in my thoughts, I’ll share them. Now, I’m not a therapist, or marriage counselor, what I offer is Grandfatherly wisdom based on observations.
First, I’m sorry that you are so unhappy in your marriage right now. One of the difficulties of the natural man is that we have a tendency to believe that whatever state we are in we will always be in. When we are young and in love and selecting a partner, we think we will always feel so in love. And when we are unhappy all we can see is unhappiness ahead. But this idea of static emotion is far from the truth. Emotions are more like ocean waves, they ebb and flow. They change. Just because you are unhappy now, does not mean you will always be unhappy. Most marriages can be improved. It takes work, but it can happen. I’ve seen couples work through hard times to become really, truly happy together.
That is what I think it is all about – the reason that we marry young. It is a bit mind-boggling that young people make a choice of a partner for life (let alone for eternity) when they are so young and often don’t even know themselves yet. But that is the beautiful thing about marriage. Aside from some exceptions (abuse, and adultery), I think the struggle is one of the main reasons for marriage. There is tremendous growth and love that can come from working through hard times together. Sometimes those hard times are “external”, in this case I mean not about the relationship itself, but illness, money problems, family issues etc. Other times the hard times are internal, by this I mean the marriage itself is the source of trial and sometimes deep pain and struggle.
Remember Ann, we came to this world to grow and learn lessons that we need to learn to be more like Heavenly Father and like the Savior. Dealing with a difficult marriage can be one way to accomplish that goal. Yes, it’s painful. Most growth opportunities are painful.
My suggestion to you then is first, fight the false idea that what you feel now about your marriage and your spouse is what you will always feel. The Lord healed the lame and the blind, He can also heal hearts and marriages. Remember that the Proclamation on the Family counsels us, “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ.” Put your trust in Him. Seek to improve your relationship with Christ and Heavenly Father. Seek to do their will. And in that seeking, ask them what they would have you do about your marriage. Give Him your heart, and your willingness to work, and watch the miracles unfold.
Gramps
Gramps…
I read your blog regularly and enjoy it a great deal. I have to say in this instance, that God helps those who help themselves and if Ann has broached the issues with her husband on multiple occasions and there is no resolution, she has a decision to make. Neither decision has to do with her faithfulness or willingness to be long-suffering. She has already demonstrated both by taking the time to ask the question. Fixing a bad marriage requires insight and commitment on the part of both partners. Ann, for you I will remind you that there is no guarantee of finding a second potential marriage partner. If you have children you will need to prepare to provide for them fully, if you lack job/ career skills. I believe that God loves us regardless of our state, and He can bring blessings into your life married or single. All the best to you. I have been where you are.
I agree with the sentiment of the question. I love my wife and am glad to be with her. However it seems like to marry young or even at all in this live is the worst time.
It seems like marrying someone before or after this life is a significantly better choice. I would get to know them for much longer and for who they really are.
People change over the course of their lives. Picking someone in this life while possessing such little knowledge of eternity seems like a strange concept to me.
A woman in my ward that I visit teach was married at 17. She had a very happy marriage right up until her husband passed away a few years ago, so more than 50 years. The happiness of a marriage has nothing t do with the age you are married; it’s how hard you work at it.
We aren’t expected to commit to marriage blindly; we are expected to seek divine guidance and revelation about marriage, and how to be happy in marriage.
Across the months and years of marriage, people change individually and they change together. Please don’t lose hope!
I got married at 26. I was desperate to get married. If I hadn’t insisted on marrying in the temple I would have married at a much younger age. During my engagement I knew that I was doing the wrong thing–but I was “so old” that I had better do it while I can. I got divorced.
I too have had those times of doubt. I married at 17 and 3 months pregnant. 15 months later we were sealed in the temple. After that we went through some very tough times, and we didn’t understand that some of the thing we were doing were so contradictory to our temple covenants. We were so young and had no clue. At times I was very distraught about being “stuck” with this man for all eternity. We will be celebrating 18 years in May, and things have changed so much, and for the better. We still have our issues, but we are so much in love and we have learned so much about our temple covenants. As hard as some of these 18 years have been, I wouldn’t change anything. I have learned so much. I have grown so much. Pray for and with your husband. That doesn’t mean things will always work out, but it is very possible and I am living proof!
I know this is way past the time I submitted this question, but I just noticed it was answered! When I first posted the question half heartedly expected a response, but as I was considering this same question tonight I had the thought to come back to this site. I was pleasantly surprised when I saw an answer AND comments! I appreciate the all that has been said and the thoughtful answer. The only thing that keeps my hope alive for the marriage I hoped for and still hope for is knowing that my feelings and understanding of today are not what they will always be. One example that has kept me going is that of my mother in law. I don’t know how she has stayed married to her man for all this time (as he would be an incredibly difficult spouse), but she believes that the blessings and joy of fighting for an eternal marriage till the end of this life are something that we will one day be very grateful to have endured till the end for. And, with all the constant talk and strong counsel from prophets, apostles and church leaders about fighting to keep your marriage together (even through trials that to me seem too hard to work through), it makes me believe that God has something amazing in store in the next life for those that do their best to work at their marriage, even if it never gets to that place of truly fulfilling happiness, I believe God will bridge that gap eventually. It makes sense that marriage/family unit is the most important foundation in this life as it provide best environment for new spirits to enter and be raised in this world. But it’s hard, and its frustrating, and sucks a lot of the time, and I so bad wish that I knew more about what marriage involved before I made my choice. Either way though, I guess every person no matter who I married will have hard things to deal with and would need to we worked at just like any other marriage. I already made my choice and now I need to learn how to find love once again with the choice that I made. It’s hard to hear that I just have to “work at it”. I want an easy out, a redo, another chance… but unfortunately that’s not how life works 🙁 Growing pains really are pain, and I reeeally don’t like them. It always helps to know I’m not the only one feeling this way though. To all our marriages – especially mine, …. I hope we will find joy again.