Will I have to be with my spouse for eternity if I don’t want to?
Question
Gramps,
I am LDS but have been married to a nonmember for over half of my life. He can be very verbally and emotionally abusive with me. He has been fighting cancer for over ten years which is just one of the reasons we are still married. I also love him and feel obligated to be there for him. My question is….even though I love him I do not want to spend eternity with him. If he passes before me, will I still be with him throughout eternity?
Tammy
Answer
Dear Tammy,
I’m sorry to hear that you are unhappy in your marriage. I’m sure the Lord is pleased with your kindness and charity in helping him through the cancer.
I know it is easy to say and frustrating to hear, but I will say it anyway . . . try not to worry about the future. There is so much we don’t know, but what I do know is that if you were yoked with someone you weren’t happy with, could that really be called heaven? No. The Lord is not going to put you in a position to be eternally unhappy. The scriptures testify of this. I like the way Earl C. Tingey explained this in a BYU Speech:
“The outstanding feature of this pattern and plan is that you may experience eternal joy. Remember Lehi’s statement in 2 Nephi: “Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:25).” The Simple Truths from Heaven – The Lord’s Plan
I’m also reminded of the book The Peacegiver by James Ferrell. That book has a lot of insight about finding peace through the atonement. On the book jacket it says, “What does the atonement mean, practically speaking? How is Christ the answer to a strained relationship with a spouse, child, parent or sibling? What if I am being mistreated–how can the atonement help me cope with that? . . .These are the challenging, difficult questions of daily life, questions to which the gospel must provide answers if it is to have a living, cleansing, redeeming power. ” I think you would find much that is helpful in this book.
Gramps
Well said as always, Gramps :). If I can put in my two cents here also, God is a respector of agency, He being the One who first gave it to us since the beginning.
My thoughts immediately turned to our own individual agency just upon reading this question. There is no ‘have to’ or ‘must’ or ‘compulsion’ or ‘coercion’ in any degree in God’s plan for us. Likewise, in God’s, or our own versions of ‘Heaven’, it is the same. The choice is always yours. I’m actually not married myself, not so much by choice, as I have dated A LOT of different women, but because I simply have not found that which I am looking for. Being unmarried, you may consider this counsel naive and unwarranted, but in my opinion, marriage is something that needs to be fought for. There are going to be a ridiculous amount of struggles. The scriptures teach that ‘they (husband and wife) twain shall become one flesh’. Men and women possess different characters, emotions and traits that enable us to strengthen and perfect each other until we become one in purpose, in Spirit and in character…until we are made perfect in Christ. If the marriage is not working, make sure that you follow the counsel of the apostles and prophets. Much can be learnt from the mission, and from the missionary handbook ‘Preach My Gospel’ regarding how to live with a spouse and how to resolve conflicts peacefully. Something that I intend to institute in my own marriage is that of companionship prayer, companionship study and companionship inventory. These will provide a ‘safe space’ and a submissiveness and humility for both partners. The Spirit will be there and any hostility, or animosity will depart. Strengths of both partners can then be recognised and commended, and areas of improvement may also be mentioned in a less than threatening environment. I’ve seen miracles through this time and time again on my mission. I know that it can work for you and your husband.
Well, this was more like 10c, but oh well, hope this helps at least a little :). Godspeed sister 🙂
Brigham Young emphasized the importance of agency in choosing our eternal mates: “If a woman is sealed to me and she wants to be divorced, she has a right to and I am under no obligation. Is not that agency all round? We have the privilege of being sealed or released” (discourse given March 12, 1848, in Van Wagoner, ed., Complete Discourses, 1:276). President Joseph F. Smith agreed in 1915: “If a man and woman should be joined together who are incompatible to each other it would be a mercy to them to be separated that they might have a chance to find other spirits that will be congenial to them. We may bind on earth and it will be bound in Heaven, and loose on earth and it will be loosed in Heaven.” (James R. Clark, Messages of the First Presidency, 4:330–31.) I think we can say with confidence that no worthy man or woman will find themselves in an eternal marital relationship that is not to their liking.
Tammy:
There is a real good conference talk about a couple exactly in your position. For thirty days she showed as best a perfect Christ Like Love to her spouse. He ended up joining the Church, and the relationship turned around. I would recommend finding this talk, because I think it would help you!!! Sometimes, all we need to show is pure Christ Like Love!!!