Will I be stuck with my ex husband forever?
Question
Gramps,
Unfortunately I am in a situation I never wanted. I was sealed in the temple but am now divorced. I have 2 young children. What is the church’ stance on having the sealing revoked? I have heard it can only be done if you want to remarry? Will it void my sealing to my children? My ex husband did not respect me and did many things wrong in our marriage, if the sealing cannot be revoked will I really be stuck with him forever?
BillyBob
Answer
Dear BillyBob,
Have faith that the Lord knows what He is doing and that He will take care of everything we cannot.
In order for your fear to come true, something very important has to happen. You both have to make it to the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom. Anything less then that and it simply is not going to be an issue.
Think of the level of repentance and change that would have to happen in both your hearts for both of you to get there. Hopefully you are working toward that with all diligence no matter what your ex or anyone else does.
As you continue to work on your own progress you will find that the Lord will open up doors you never imagined. And should you progress all the way to the Celestial Kingdom, when that day comes for you to gain Celestial glory, whomever it is at your side will be perfectly acceptable to you, because he too will have overcome all to be there.
As for your sealing to your kids, that would not be affected by any action the Church might make to revoke the sealing between you and your ex.
Gramps
Also don’t forget that pretty much everything is based on agency. The Lord will never force someone to do something they don’t want.
I feel that A Happily Married Man may be being rather harsh and too quick to assume and to judge BillyBob’s circumstances. For all we know he may have been morally unfaithful, perhaps even habitually…such behaviour, nor abusive behaviour, which may also could never be judged to be justified, even if there were faults on her own part….obviously precluding such behaviours herself. She has clearly said that she finds herself in a situation she never wanted. Of course none of us are perfect…but there are some things, such as those I’ve mentioned above, that are considered by the Church to be justification for divorce. Not everyone can, nor should be expected to stay in a situation where these are occurring. I feel that a little more compassion and less judgement and lecturing in this situation is more appropriate. Whatever has happened BillyBob, I wish you all the best.
Maureen,
We will have to respectfully disagree on this matter. You may think what I wrote is harsh, but when the Lord’s heritage is being put in spiritual jeopardy because parents cannot grow up and get along, I cannot and will not apologize. It is really telling by the problems our youth face and constantly succumb to that many of us as parents in the church are not doing our job with an eye single to the glory of God. Don’t believe me? Look at some of the pain and despair our children are suffering here:
http://www.ldsteenhelp.com
Temple marriage and being sealed to our family is supposed to be the CROWING ordinance of the gospel and we are throwing it away for what? A mess of pottage?
You can also call me judgmental for speaking my mind, but if you will reread what I said, you will see that I didn’t specifically say anything was her fault. I asked some questions for her to seriously think about. In fact, I also said that her husband was a responsible party in the situation and if he had been involved in either adultery or physical abuse, then that was it for him and his priesthood, but it didn’t sound that way from what she wrote.
What I DID say, however, is that some of what she said sounded as if she was placing the blame squarely on her husband and also selfish. Gramps seemed to pick up on the same thing if you will reread what he said in terms of repentance.
Now I ask you a question: Do you think the Lord accepts excuses for failure in the home when it is due to selfishness? What does The Family: A Proclamation to the World say? Let me quote it here for you:
“WE WARN that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.”
There seems to be a growing trend in the church in this generation that we can just shirk in our God-given duties to our family and children if everything doesn’t go our wayーthat we have some sort of “constitutional right” to divorce when we feel like it that supersedes “God’s mandate” to Adam and Eve and the whole of the human race. Family should NEVER be an afterthought. It should be constantly at the forefront of our minds and our behavior.
Now let me tell you about my mother. She abandoned several of us as children while my father was in graduate school and ran home to her parents, because she “couldn’t handle” being married. But by her actions, she in effect left my father for a time to be both the breadwinner and the homemaker.
I am sorry to say this, but a family will crumble very quickly in a situation like this. A family can also be likened to a sports team in the which if everyone does not man/woman their position faithfully, victory will always remain elusive, since it is nearly impossible for any one person in family to shoulder the full load of responsibility.
Fortunately, my grandfather was a no-nonsense kind of man and told my mom to go back home to her husband and work things out, since SHE CHOSE to be married in the first place. You see, the decision was never forced upon her. She chose it of her own free-will.
Yet despite that hard learning experience, my mother has still continued in her ways and to this day suffers from an “attitude of ingratitude.” This is why she is never happy and doesn’t appreciate her own children the way she should. Now what do the scriptures say about children?
“Psalms 127:5
3 Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
4 As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.”
Now one thing I can agree with you on is nobody should be forced to be in a situation where there is physical violence, adultery, and some other instances. These are completely unacceptable and this goes for BOTH spouses.
That said, the one thing I find lacking again and again in the couples that divorce (some of whom are relatives and close friends) is the ability to love someone else for who they are and NOT for who you want them to be or what you want out of them. A marriage will always be on unstable ground if you constantly focus on the latter. And like the man who built his house on the sand, well, you know the ending to that story.
Good grief…you should write a book! (Maybe you have! 🙂 ) Anyway, I stand by my comments…namely and essentially that we do not know the circumstances, so lecturing and judging ( which I consider you to have done in both your posts) is inappropriate in this instance. Perhaps with a fuller knowledge of the situation certain of your comments would be helpful to her, but I haven’t read into either hers nor Gramps’s comments any basis for assumptions you have made that she did not put forth her best efforts. Also to assume that children who go astray are necessarily from families who have not put forth enough righteous effort is again judgemental, and indeed insulting. I guess that in your eyes then Lehi, a prophet of God, was a failure. Either way, I would like to keep the peace, and it is for that I reason I will not be responding further. Once again, all the best BillyBob, and also to any others with similar struggles. God bless as you strive to keep your families eternal ones.
Sometimes members go through the Temple and it takes months or even years to understand what they did. No one gets it right out of the gate, especially if you were not raised in the church and taught the principals of the gospel from the time you could learn.
I’m a convert and went through the Temple a year ago, and i’m still trying to understand it all.
I don’t know why you are reprimanding someone. I don’t know how much BillyBob put into her decision but when I got my divorce I put in a lot of thought and prayer and I studied the words of the general authorities and made the best decision I could make right or wrong. This isn’t the question BillyBob was asking. Also are you trying to get BillyBob to go back with her husband?
Have you ever thought that maybe she was trying to be kind to her husband/ex-husband by not airing what he had done wrong? That she was reaching out for herself and what she needed in this situation she “never wanted”…that statement alone indicates that she has been on the receiving end of much pain that was out of her control. I never understand people who judge so quickly with very little information. We all know divorce is bad but so is a bad marriage. Both should have an eye single to keeping marriage but what happens when one doesn’t and runs free without care? Your essentially implying that unless she is perfect she is not entitled to dignity and self respect. Judge not…you never know when you will have to eat your words. It also seems you had bad female examples in your life….the average lds woman is very resilient and tries to do what she can for her marriage and puts up with a lot of problems but often times it rest on her shoulders, as do then children. Have kindness not skewed prejudice.
Let he with no sin cast the first stone said the Lord. She had a tough marriage and her husband and her found out they were not compatible, it happens you know. You can’t stay married in those situations as its unhealthy for the whole family. This could be a brand new event and she’s reaching out. She loves her children and they come first. Lighten up little!
This is not the point of her question. There are many sisters our there who desperately tried save their marriages and couldn’t. Most sisters married in the temple understand that marriage is hard work and that covenants made are sacred. I was married in the temple and am divorced now. It was a very difficult decision to made and it was devastating for me to realize after 22 years that the marriage was not going to work out. I was certainly no a perfect wife by any means. I also could not afford to support both my husband and myself financially. I supposed I was wrong because I did not want to go on Church welfare because my husband refused to work (that wasn’t the only issue).
Genesis 18:25 – “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”.
Answer: How would a just and loving Savior ‘stick’ you and your ex, presumably no longer in love, with each other? I say, go on with your life, and if you find a man that you can love, by all means, request a cancellation of the prior sealing, and marry HIM in the Lord’s house. Your bishop can advise as to the details.
(Ex) spouses being eternally yoked to each other seems like a viginette that I recall from the late Rod Serling’s “Night Gallery”. In that brief episode, a sixtyish man ‘awakens’ to be greeted by his shrewish late wife, and he’s mystified as to how that could be (it’s implied that perhaps he had something to do with her ‘untimely’ demise). He walks into what turns out to be a viewing room in a funeral parlor, and sees himself in the casket. Realizing that he’s dead, his wife explains, “some end up in ‘Heaven’, dear husband, and some in ‘Hell’ “…back to the ‘gallery’.