Will we learn of the sins of our spouses at judgment time?
Question
Gramps,
There was a time when my husband was withdrawn from me. And having found small hints of infidelity I asked him directly if he had been unfaithful. He denied, of course, but now, two years later I still feel he cheated and is ignoring it. Will there be a day during our judgement that I will know if he was unfaithful, or will his sins be kept from me? Many thanks.
“Hopeful”
Answer
Dear “Hopeful,”
What is your real concern here? Are you looking to the eternal welfare of others and self, or are you just worried about someone getting their comeuppance?
Also, there is a logical fallacy known as “begging the question”. What it means is that we make an assumption and use that assumption as evidence to prove the assumption true. For instance, you assume that your husband cheated on you. Then this assumption is proven true, because, when confronted about it, “he denied [it], of course”. Such is clearly the act of a guilty man. But then, we could cut this the other way too. Let’s assume that your husband never cheated on you. Our assumption is validated because when confronted about having cheated “he denied [it], of course”. What else would you expect an innocent to do?
The day will come when your husband will stand before the Savior and his wicked thoughts, words, and deeds will testify against him to his condemnation (Alma 12:14). What’s more, the rebellious shall be pierced with much sorrow; for their iniquities shall be spoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be revealed” (D&C 1:3). Any indiscretion on his part will be publicly broadcast, visible to yourself and the world.
But this will not be to satisfy some sort of self-righteous desire to see those who have wronged us getting what’s coming to them. If that is the state that our heart is in, we will likely be right there beside them with the weeping and the wailing and the gnashing of teeth and all that.
You see, one day you will also stand before the Savior, “and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again” (Matthew 7:2). Your secret, wicked thoughts, words, and deeds will be broadcast publicly for all the world to see. What will your husband think of your accusing heart?
Your best bet is to approach your situation with prayer, faith, and love. Forgive all men, including your husband, and leave judgment to God. Worry about the example you set, the kind of person you are, the messages you share with others, and that all of the above are true representations of Christ, whom we covenant to stand for at all times and in all places.
Gramps
Dear gramps,
Worrying that your spouse committed sin and wondering if that will ever be rectified is not an accusing heart.
I think he is speaking about the possibility that the question is rooted in the desire for the guily to be punished.
I was given to understand that only those things of which we have not repented will be brought forward on judgment day, for doesnt the Lord say that when we truly repent He remembers the sin no more ?
I think there are many of us in the church who have one simple problem: we assume the worst in others rather than the best.
In fact, there are also a lot of us who would rather choose revenge than to forgive. To this Dieter F. Uchtdorf gave two simple words of advice: STOP IT!
He also went on to say this:
“Brothers and sisters, there is enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment.
We are not perfect.
The people around us are not perfect.19 People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way.
Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way.
Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.
Lay your burden at the Savior’s feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another.
The merciful will obtain mercy.”
I think that says it all.
I completely get this question. I’m not thrilled with the assumptive judgemental responses…don’t feel any Lord’s Spirit here in these responses except from Liz, David. Thankyou! Did it ever occur to you that perhaps she loves her husband very much and is concerned this might stop them from Eternity TOGETHER? Does it make any sense to you at all that she is dealing with a loss of confidence in her husband, and a loss of personal security? What can be done now to help her regain peace and confidence that the Lord is there for her, that her Eternity can still be “golden”? One thing for sure is that in order for him to repent, he will of course need to ask for her forgiveness. For if he violated a sacred trust of this kind, she will have to know and then need to forgive him to continue moving forward. Or… she will have an option to not remain married to him for the eternities. There will be someone special for her, if that occurs. She will not be denied blessings she is ready for. In the mean time she needs to feel the Lord’s arms around her and if her husband decides to distance himself again from her, then the Lord will be her Husband. Is there an underlying problem in the marriage that needs to be addressed with the Bishop or a Marriage and Family therapist??? Let us assume she is Spiritually mature in this first before casting judgement on her.
Knutekritt,
The problem here is this: the entire issue is based on the ASSUMPTION she is right. She may very well be wrong. And if she can’t trust what her husband says, then there is really little hope for the marriage. Any relation not founded on trust is like walking on a frozen pond that is cracking more and more with each stepーeventually you’re going to fall in and the results will be ruinous.
And let me be clear about this, NO church leader, marriage counselor, or family therapist can compensate for her lack of trust. She must either decide to trust her husband or not. She simply CANNOT pass the buck to someone else and expect them to fix the problem. There really is no middle ground here either, because all that turns into is a battleground of constant fights and arguments. You will NEVER find happiness, peace, or security if you try to stand there.
Now while she can go ahead and divorce her husband over her assumptions, if she turns out to be wrong in the eternities, SHE (not he) will have to pay the price for her actions. The same goes for her husband. If he was unfaithful and never fesses up and repents, it is HE (not she) who will be paying the price.
I just don’t see any loss this woman will incur if she is living her covenants to the fullest she is capable of. Any so-called “loss” will be made up perfectly, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
I also fail to see the point of charging someone as guilty before there is REAL proof that they are. I mean, that’s how the courts in this country DO work, right? Church courts are no differentーwitnesses or proof are required. And if the Constitution and basic laws of this land have divine origin, then why are we trying this man in the “court of public opinion”?
She just wants to know the truth, to help deal with her feelings.
I never said he did cheat or that I was convinced of it but that there were things that were nagging at me. I happened upon tangible things that would have made any one of you wonder.
I said “of course” he denied it because if he’s innocent he’ll deny it, if he’s guilty he’ll insist the same. I’m grateful that it is not my burden to judge anyone, I just wondered if I would ever know the truth.
The thing that worried me most was not retribution (that’s disturbing) or any offense against myself but the damage to my husband’s salvation and our chance at a celestial marriage. I want my sweatheart with me and not suffering for sins that could have been repented of.
I have made peace with the fact that I have to wait to know why I found the things that made me question him. And I know that Satan has a lot of fun influencing such circumstances. In the meantime, we are out of the situation that may (or may not) have fostered such a sin. And I now know that my husband adores me and is true to me.
Surprisingly, no offense is taken at any of this. Though it does disappoint me whenever I read a comment online that presumes to know the intentions of the poster.
I know this is an older thread but I am in the same situation with my spouse. Four years ago his addiction to pornography was brought forward…not by him, but by the Lord to me, first by feelings then as a voice. I asked him about it & he of course denied. The Lord then brought it forward for real, so that he could not deny it. Turns out, he’s had a 30 plus year addiction. I have worked on mending etc. but still have had feelings that his addictions went further to adultery. There is no betrayal for a woman like infidelity of any sort. I have sought priesthood blessings, (wondering if I just had a suspicious or jealous heart, or was unforgiving) and I have been told that all will come forth and be laid on the table, and that these unsettled feelings will cease and I will have peace. So for me, these persistent feelings are because the Lord is prompting me, not because I’m trying to out my husband, whom I have worked with for four years to repair our marriage. (we have been married for 30 years) The one thing I’ve learned is that spirit to spirit a spouse can’t lie to their spouse, especially by omission…I felt for years that my husband was up to something but he convinced me that I was insecure, jealous, and imaginative. The Lord is the one who said “enough”, & that was literally what He said. Don’t doubt yourself. Do seek answers from the Lord. I still don’t have all my answers and I’m in a waiting pattern, knowing that answers are coming. I know the Lord loves me and wants my happiness & knows the righteous desires of my heart. I know the Lord loves my husband and wants him to be healed and would like our marriage to be healed. But unless my husband is forthcoming and lives in truth 100% of the time our marriage doesn’t have a chance. That’s not being judgmental, that’s not being unforgiving, it’s living in what is. There is being Christlike and there’s being foolish. That same Lord that gave us our body and our spirit give us a brain, and expects us to use it, prayerfully and with due diligence. Answers will come, whether or not your hubby confesses & you will have peace and know.
In order to be forgiven, we ourselves must forgive. Let he among you without sin cast the first stone. Satan very job is to deceive. If one allows he will still all your joy which comes from heaven. If you truly believe God has revealed this thing to you. Then do you truly believe a God of love wishes to see you in pain and without joy. Maybe the test is for yourself as well as your husband. And maybe there’s a better love for the both of you to come. “TOGETHER”