I just discovered my boyfriend is addicted to pornography. What am I in for?
Question
Gramps,
We have been dating for 14 months. He served a mission, attends the temple, has always been active. About 4 months into our relationship I discovered that he has an addiction to pornography. He is in frequent contact with our bishop to discuss where he is at with his addiction. He attends the A.recovery program at the church. He also has no clue that I know any of this. I know only because he left his journal on his desk (bad,I know.) I am terrified of what I could be getting myself into. Any thoughts?
Roxy
Answer
Dear Roxy,
I am very sorry that this is happening to you right now. Watching a loved one deal with any kind of addiction, if it be drugs, alcohol, tobacco or porn is always a heartbreaking situation. Like all addictions (including pornography), the person using the substance to what they are addicted to not only hurts themselves (it does), it hurts everyone they are surrounded by and it hurts the ones they are closest to the most. The addict is not a bad person, but they are dealing with a sickness.
Fourteen months is a long time to be dating someone, but as you are finding out it’s not enough time to know everything about them. When you enter into a marriage and start living with someone, you are bound to find out things about them that you don’t agree with and might be troubling or frustrating to you. Sometimes these things are a minor annoyance-like if your future spouse snaps her bubble gum or if your future husband snores. Sometimes they are more serious, like having a porn addiction or a violent temper.
If you do get married, this is where you could be in 5 years: How do I support my husband who has a porn addiction? Keep in mind that you are dating, but not married to your boyfriend. If this is too much for you to handle, you should do both of you a favor and see others. Marriage is a great opportunity to learn and practice Christian virtues, but should not be entered into on the hope that discipleship will one day come.
There is a Church owned website, Overcoming Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. It’s a great source for not only those who have the addiction, but for those who are dealing with a spouse or other family member who struggles with this.
An addiction can never be cured. You might have heard the phrase “Once an addict, always an addict.” While it can’t be cured, it can be managed. It takes a lot of hard work and a lot of discipline on the part of the addict. It also helps to have a lot of family support. It sounds like your boyfriend is doing the right thing here-he is meeting with his bishop, he is going to group therapy-he is on the right track. He is not in denial about his addiction and he is trying to get better. It sounds to me that he is a decent young man who knows what he has to work on. Maybe it would be best to tell him what you found out (and how you found it out) and make him aware that you know about his struggles. No matter what the outcome is, he might be happy that both you and him and communicate on a level where nothing is hidden.
You are in my prayers.
Gramps
My biggest concern is why he has not told you of his addiction yet. Part of this addiction of being secretive and dating for that long and not saying anything could be dangerous too. There is a shame though that is hard to overcome. If you plan on getting married I highly suggest counciling first before you do as there is a lot you will deal with depending on how mad the addiction is. I relate pornography to heroine, you just never know what that hit will do. For some it’s no big deal to others it is a gateway to trying other things that have serious consequences. I have personally experienced this in my life. While we were able to overcome our obstacles and the ramifications of this addiction it has been very hard! The result was adultry and those feelings of betrayl and not good enough have been almost too much to bare at times. His addiction was nothing in ccomparison to others I know who have experienced the same results, or have been in abusive situations. It is important that you talk to each other about this and the possible outcomes in the future because it is very real and the sooner you learn how to address those issues the better. I wish you all the best. There is hope but it take exteeme and diligent work.
I was cleaned up from this thing quite a while before being sealed. The secretive part has to end. He needs to NEVER lie to you and get on that path immediately. And again if you are not prepared spiritually, emotionally don’t get into it all. It is a lot like being married to someone with PTSD, depression or a current alcohol addiction. Being married or sealed with a mentally ill person is not easy but it is rewarding spiritually. His and your relationship with God needs to always remain pristine even if life isn’t. Plan on a fight with The Lord at your side, both of you. We all fight in different degrees. Joseph and Emma fought with Satan harder than anyone. Their story is full of love and tragedy. They are now the great example of love for everyone. They are now supremely happy.
If it’s alright with Gramps – I’d like to share a link to a short video where Sister Carole M. Stephens, first counselor in the Relief Society general presidency addresses this very issue. Very inspired words.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AwuQh1mI9E
How come no one is pointing out that she betrayed his trust by snooping in his journal?? Isn’t she being just as bad as him to be hiding this secret??
The words of a nearly 40 y.o. tune by “Blondie” seem applicable:
Once I had a love and it was a gas
Soon turned out had a heart of glass
Seemed like the real thing, only to find
Mucho mistrust, love’s gone behind
A LOT of heartache, IMO. If you’re convinced that he’s making a sincere attempt to break this awful habit, then, if your heart and the Spirit lead you to stick by him, do so. However, if your inclination is to ‘bail’, then do so, NOW. Neither of you are doing each other favors if you stick with a relationship that either of you see no future in.
I believe the root of the challenge, beyond (but related to) addiction, is the problem of communication between you two. If I am accurately reading your post, you were dating 4 months, find out there is an addiction he is working on, and now 10 months later he still doesn’t know you know? It looks like you posted this three months ago- I would be curious to see where you are in your relationship today. As half of an eternal relationship that is successfully winning the war against addiction one day at a time, I can tell you that it is definitely possible! There are both challenges and blessings to a relationship that is in recovery from addiction. If you would ever like support or have any questions, please feel free to contact me. my username @ gmail!