Do I need to confess my same-sex attraction to my Bishop?
Question
Dear Gramps,
I have same-sex attraction but I haven’t and never will act upon it. Do I need to confess this same-sex attraction to my bishop?
James
Answer
Dear James,
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has taken the following position, and I have openly supported it in the past:
“The experience of same-sex attraction is a complex reality for many people. The attraction itself is not a sin, but acting on it is. Even though individuals do not choose to have such attractions, they do choose how to respond to them.” (http://www.mormonsandgays.org/)
Not being a sin, same-sex attraction does not require confession to priesthood leaders. I would, nonetheless, encourage you to meet with your bishop and counsel with him as a support and a resource.
The Lord’s law of chastity has long been under attack by the world. For decades popular media have shown audiences that a couple is really in love and committed once they have sex. Prophets have made it clear that such intimacy is righteous and wholesome only so long as it is kept within the bounds the Lord has set. If a couple wants to show their commitment they should make a covenant. In more recent years popular media has even chipped away at the 1 man 1 woman standard of marriage and courting relationships. Celebration of homosexual acts is the “new morality” of this decade. Some will try to influence you to break your baptismal (and temple if applicable) covenant, and rise up as a model of modern normalcy. Your bishop (and family, I’ll bring them into this even if you haven’t yet) can serve as a support for you and give wise counsel. The Church Handbook of Instruction defines this as his role:
“If members feel same-gender attraction but do not engage in any homosexual behavior, leaders should support and encourage them in their resolve to live the law of chastity and to control unrighteous thoughts. These members may receive Church callings. If they are worthy and qualified in every other way, they may also hold temple recommends and receive temple ordinances.” (21.4.6)
Gramps
I would agree with Gramps as long as you do not involve a spouse. If you are married or considering marriage, it is equally important to share this information with your spouse. Not doing so is a lie and a very malicious lie at that. Otherwise, I respect a person’s choice on how to handle same sex attraction. Please though, do not lie to your spouse or if you are considering marriage, do not lie to your intended spouse. Be open and honest about your sexualty. It is not going to change over time. Some can manage it, but most cannot live a life without intimacy and at some point they give into their desires and then the entire family is impacted. Lying about it does not only hurt you, but it hurts the ones that you love as well. The key in my book is to be open and honest about it upfront from the very start. Most gay people know very early in life that they have same sex attraction. The LDS environment encourages people to hide it.
Personally I am opposed to the Church’s position on gay (gay and lesbian) members. For example, if a person decides to hide their sexuality, then the Church is fine with them being gay. The Church is endorsing someone to live a dishonest life. If a person comes out as gay, even if they chose not to act on their desires, they are really not accepted by the membership as full members (they are square peg trying to fit into the round hole). For example, a strong Mormon family have a son that came out as gay when he was 14 years old (and it pretty hard not to notice anyway). The boy observed the law of chastity, yet members of the ward complained to bishop that it was distracting and he was removed from administering the sacrament. And over time the members made it virtually impossible for him to fit into the Church. Some members did not want him to associate with their children (for fear the gay would rub off). With the change in the Church policy towards gays in November 2015, it was the final nail in the coffin for this boy and he left the Church. And I don’t blame him at all. He is a good kid, but there is absolutely no hope or life for him inside the Church. His father was an advocate for gay people and was trying to make a more welcoming environment. The Elder’s Quorum President, based on direction from the Stake President, asked him to discontinuing inviting gay members to Church. I guess it was distracting and uncomfortable for the membership. And this was the final straw for this Father. Although he remains a members, he is no longer active. This issue has torn apart his family and he doing some serious sole searching. It created a very unwelcoming environment for the entire family (oh, they are the family with the gay son). The Mother has remained in the Church, but is very active in an organization to protect and advocate for the gay youth of the Church, which I will not name because I do not want to identify the family specifically. She still has hope that she can change the Church to be a more welcoming environment. This is true story and the family involved are long-time Church members. In fact they are very conservative, but they could not abandon their Son and decided to take a position of support. And I have a great deal of respect for them. I am not sure I would have the strength to do the same.
I believe the Church needs to do a much better job of administering to these members.
And I am sure someone will comment about the plan of salvation and that the family is short sighted in how they are handling the situation and that they jeopardizing their salvation. The kid is gay. There is no changing that and there is help or support from the Church. These people have tried desperately to make this work.
Jack,
I’m sorry you think that way. Let me point out the few flaws in your argument in hopes one day you will change the way you think…
1. You, the father, and the mother in your story are opposed to a belief of the church. This is the road to apostasy. If you had a testimony rooted in the only true church on the face of the earth, you would never ever disagree with the prophets. The same goes with the father in your story who is inactive He shouldn’t allow the bishop, stake president, his own parents, anyone (who btw, are all imperfect)… to influence his testimony of the gospel. Picking and choosing which commandments to obey is wrong. The mother unfortunately is no better off than you, as she is trying to “change the church” and has joined that gay rights group. Any group that opposes any belief of the church is wrong. I know that might sound harsh, but it’s true. I doubt that group has very many good things to say about the church in their meetings.
2. Gays shouldn’t come out openly admitting they are gay. They shouldn’t do that anymore than I should come out openly admitting I have thoughts of members of the opposite gender while married. Those are private thoughts/feelings – they are sins that shouldn’t be admitted openly. Yes I said it. Thinking gay thoughts is a sin. Or better stated – encouraging gay thoughts is a sin. It’s one thing to be attracted to members of the opposite sex but it’s another thing to encourage that attraction. I’m not talking about acting on those thoughts. I’m talking about having those thoughts. Encouraging someone to join gay rights groups has the same effect – it encourages them to be gay. Which we all know is contrary to gods plan – equally is thinking bad thoughts of members of the opposite sex.
3. The boy was inviting gay friends to church. Don’t twist this into thinking we don’t accept non-members. We all know that’s just stereotyping the church. Love the person, not the action (or thought). What I think would help the boy the most, is not having gay friends. Again, having gay friends just encourages the gay desire. Yes accept him for who he is, and what he feels, but don’t encourage or surround him with gay friends.
4. You make the church members in that families ward sound like they’re proud, uncaring people without giving us the full story. How do I know you haven’t given us the full story – your comments suggest it. Why would members feel distracted about the boy unless he was somehow openly showing he was gay. Again, that’s not anymore appropriate than me announcing to the ward that I have a crush on some other guys wife (I’m male btw! :)) I might like another mans wife, but I should quickly stop having those thoughts and try to not have them ever again. You might think that my comparison between gay thoughts and non-gay thoughts is misplaced, but they’re more similar than you think. It’s inevitable that I’m going to have a bad thought of another woman. I’m an imperfect man living in an imperfect world surrounded by satan and his angels. It’s bound to happen. Maybe daily, maybe monthly, maybe annually… Likewise, if a person has gay thoughts, there’s a good chance they will have them the rest of their life. But this gay person should fight it the rest of his/her life, just like I fight the non-gay thoughts I have the rest of my life. Too many gays use being gay as a scapegoat to having bad thoughts (gay or not).
So what is a gay person to do you ask? One of 2 things the way I see it:
1. Try to live a non-gay life married to a member of the opposite sex. Who knows, maybe that could change your gay desires. Seems like the best way to me.
2. They become a “monk” or “nun” so to speak – in that they don’t marry or ever have sexual relations with anyone. They continue on like every other member of the church, living the same way as they do. Only living their life single. I have 2 aunts that are in their 50’s and 60’s and have been faithful members their whole lives and have never been married.
Please do yourself and that family a favor and get back on track. Anyone can change.
Chad, I disagree in this regard and standby statements. Your comments are ridiculous and disgusting. Church leaders have been wrong on many things over the years. They were wrong on polygamy, blood atonement, the priesthood ban, Native Americans becoming white as they become righteous. I can go on and on and on.
As far as your suggestions – you simply do not understand the issue and you do not know what you at talking about. You should be embarrassed by your comments. I really hope and pray you are not in any type of Church leadership position.
As for “gay rights group”, it is a group of Mormon families that have joined together to provide support for their gay children. You make it sound like it is the “Gay Pride National Organization”.
And by the way, you are the one that is wrong in this argument, not me. You simply do not understand the issue in any way, shape or form. It makes me sad that we have such uncaring and awful members in this Church.
And please do yourself a favor and look for a heart in your chest.
And stop calling people to repentance. You do not have the authority.
this attitude you espouse is exactly why good upstanding members who want to obey are challenged by not only a condition they can’t do anything about. But also reactions like yours. Remember that the church is a hospital for the sick, not a museum for the perfect.
Hi James,
I understand the struggle. I am a return missionary and worthy temple goer. I am also same-sex attracted. It took me a long time to fully admit it to myself, but I think the best thing for me was going to my bishop. He was super understanding, and asked me a couple follow-up questions. Like you, I have never and will never act on these feelings, no matter how strong they are. I value my covenants too much. He gave me some great advice and a blessing, both have which have been a great support to me as I’ve continued on in my life.
I know this is an old post, and I hope you’re doing well. Christ understands our struggles too. He will help every day, no matter how hard it is.
Rachael
I’d say that there’s nothing to ‘confess’ if you’ve not acted upon this urge, but, by all means, do discuss the SSA with your bishop. The bishop is more than the ‘ward cop’, he’s also a counselor, called by the most “Wonderful Counselor” of them all, via His servants. Do avail yourself of whatever resources the Church can provide in dealing with SSA.