Should I be sealed to my parents?
Question
Gramps,
I was abandoned by my father at age 2, abused by my step-father, then abandoned by my mother at age 10. I was sent to live with my widowed grandmother. who resented every day I lived with her. I have been sealed for 45 years to my love, who has encouraged me to be sealed, if not to my parents, then at least to my grandparents. I love the Lord and want to do what’s right. Â I just can’t be sealed to people who didn’t want me. What do you think? I’d love to have your advice! Thanks,
Bonnie
Answer
Bonnie,
Forgiveness can be hard. Â Sometimes it can be harder then repentance. Â The scriptural command for us to forgive can be found many places in the scriptures. The one that I think is most clear is D&C 64:9-10:
9Â Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
10Â I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.
From these verses it is clear that the Lord requires us to forgive everyone. If that wasn’t hard enough, it also says that if we don’t then we have the greater sin. I can’t think of many harder commandments that the Lord has given us than this one. That is to forgive those who have hurt us, abused us, and done us wrong in some fashion. The mere idea that we might be the greater sinner if we don’t forgive goes against our inherent sense of justice and fairness and sense of what is right. This leaves us struggling to grasp what the Lord is telling us because we have a hard time understanding it and accepting it.
I think the very next verse was intended to help with this
11 And ye ought to say in your hearts—let God judge between me and thee, and reward thee according to thy deeds.
In this verse the Lord is telling us exactly what He means by forgiveness. He means that we need to have and exercise faith in turning it all over to Him. All our hurt, all our pain, all or desire for justice, for fairness. All of it needs to be turned to Him, while trusting that He can and will handle it all in His time and in His way. Thus the ‘greater sin’ we have when we refuse to forgive is one of lack of faith or lack of trust in the Lord and His power and promises.
Now to your particular case. You don’t want to be sealed for eternity to people that did not want you. This is totally understandable. However, while understandable it also means you are rendering an eternal judgement, instead of leaving that to Christ. Everything about Christ and his Atonement is about giving people the chance to change, to repent, to become better then they were, no matter what mistakes or missteps they may have made along the way.
We want this for ourselves and we need to allow others to have the same chances.
The simple fact is no matter what earthly ordinances are done, Christ has the final say on who is sealed together for eternity. And we can be assured that it will be to people that “want us.”  Our task is to work on developing our faith to the level Christ would have it be and seek to have all the ordinances that He asks of us done.
Gramps
I read the above article with heavy heart and felt how close to home it hit with me. At the time I was looking forward to attending the Temple I was also faced with the prospect of my wife being sealed to me. Our marriage was a shambles and at the onset I loved her and continued to put up with much abuse from her, both toward me and our son. But with the fortitude born of great Mormon faith I persevered with the prayer that each night while I slept the great miracle would happen and I would awaken the next morning and find that she had changed and our marriage would be the model of Mormon perfection.
Fast forward to our impending Temple sealing. As we were going through the Temple prep class, I was called to meet with the branch president. He was fully aware of the struggles I was going through with my then wife and asked to speak with me with utmost confidence.
He told me that we have our agency here, and will also have this same agency in the eternities. Our personalities will also rise with us in the next life. He pointed out that Paul said we will be known as we are (1Cor. 13:12), that is, our personalities will be the same as it is in this life. He told me that I know what I have to put up with here, was I so much a masochist that I would want to endure that for all eternity. So now after much prayer, and consultation with local and stake leaders I am looking at the prospect of a Temple divorce so I can avoid in the eternal realm the abuse and lack of happiness that was present in this life.
Don’t get me wrong, I have forgiven my ex-, and have repented of my ill feelings toward her for how I had to live. But … I have no desire to be yoked to such a situation for-ever-and-ever. That is what Temple loosings are designed to prevent.
From everything I have been taught in Church, an abusive individual isn’t exactly Celestial material. I find it very hard to believe that God would consign you to an eternity of abuse from a spouse. In fact, we are told that spouses who violate the covenants they have made in the temple, including abusing their spouse, will not inherit a Celestial glory. I’m shocked that your branch president would suggest that God would allow your spouse to abuse you for all eternity, as that is not at all what is taught in the Church. It is the sealing itself that provides you with eternal blessings, not who you are sealed to. If your wife has violated her covenants, the sealing would still be in force for you, but not necessarily for her (unless she truly repents at some point). Heaven is a place where God will wipe away all tears, so how anyone can imagine that abuse will occur there is beyond me. Your local leaders seem woefully ill-educated on the subject.
Wow, Thank You ! You, really, clarified & put into proper perspective the Principle of Forgiveness. Even the most loving, compassionate person can find forgiving someone who has grievously harmed them difficult, if not, seemingly, impossible. Most of us know that if we do not sincerely forgive, we will not be forgiven &, also, that not forgiving is deteimental to us in many ways. However I, personally, had not thought about the aspect of emtirely leaving the judgment & punishment of offenders, strictly, strictly to Heavenly Father through the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ. That really hit home & made me fully understand how essential forgiveness is to God’s Eternal Plan.
Bonnie, first, let me say, I’m not LDS. I had a question about temple sealing, came across your story/question and thought I would give my thoughts. I believe the answer ol’ Gramps replied with was very spiritually sound advice. My opinion differs from his because I believe you are capable of forgiving your folks and giving forgiveness for their transgressions without having to be sealed to them. That’s your free will to make those choices. Just do whatever is going to make you feel the most at peace with yourself and I’m sure you already have an idea of what that is.
Bonnie, I empathize with you. It is hard to want to be sealed to those who didn’t love you in this life. For a long time after he died, I didn’t want my father to have any of the blessings of salvation because of the way he had treated me and my siblings and particularly my mother. I came to realize however, that I needed to act as Christ would even if I couldn’t forgive him yet. An amazing thing happened after I had his temple work done. I was able to forgive him! And I have felt him close to me, protecting and loving me as he didn’t here on earth. It was a long time before my mother died. By that time, I was willing to have myself sealed to both my parents because of my longing for this blessing. Of course, being single all my life probably made me more willing to be sealed to my parents. I don’t have the blessing of being sealed to a husband here. But I feel complete and whole now because of I allowed myself to act as Christ would have. I do not know if you would feel the same, especially as you had been abandoned and I had not. We have been asked to do certain things here on earth. We do not understand all things, but I know that if we act in faith we will be blessed.
Bonnie oh how I feel for you. I am in a singular situation. My parents divorced when I was 7 and my mom moved us to Iowa away from my Dad. At 13 I tried to see my Dad and he asked me why I even came. I went back to Iowa where my mom and I fought it out on a daily basis. At 14 I wanted to end my life because I felt there was nothing to it here. A song by the Osmond Brothers called “One Way Ticket to Anywhere” came on the radio and I knew it was meant for me. I told God if there was a reason for me to being here I needed to know I could not do this any longer. The next day two LDS Missionaries knocked on my door. Four years later life BEGAN to come together as my supervisor found me crying and told me she wanted me on the first bus to Salt Lake City on Monday morning, because “Now I would have a chance at life.” My mom never accepted the fact I joined the church and made sure the rest of my family knew as well. I learned when I found an Aunt I didn’t even know existed she had told her I ran away from home at 18 joined a cult and never heard from me again. Lie. I was home one summer and sent my mom money home every week for a while just to help her out.
I wasn’t like anyone else I knew. I didn’t have a family that loved and supported me. I wasn’t married. Now I realize looking back there were people who tried to help me and I pushed them away. I didn’t know how to be loved and without that I struggled. I struggled with the church, life and my family and me. It wasn’t until I went back to Texas where my ancestors were from things began to change. My Dad had passed away 10 years earlier and there were many things I learned about him that broke me down. While in Texas my mom passed away. It was that experience that opened my eyes to eternity rather than mortality. I was told then “I was not here to be punished but to bring my friends and family home because I said I could.” I have forgiven my parents as much as I can at this point. As much as I wanted to hold their work and wait until I was ready to do it for them, I knew that is not Christ wanted me to do. But through all of it, I break down when I remember the dream I had with my Dad. He came up to me and looked at me and shook his head, then walked away. I mentioned to the person next to me (mind you this was a ‘dream’) who said to me, “Because you have not forgiven him.” Yes it has been beyond hard and some days I feel like I have found miserably.
But I know the Lord loves me and is aware of all my needs and wants. I am reminded frequently “Do the best you can.” I have the same feeling as being sealed to my parents. They didn’t love me here will they love me on the other side? I don’t have all the answers I just know that we do what we can. I feel one day I will be able to take another step towards this but now their work is done and they can either accept or reject the Gospel. I have also learned it has to be my decision with the help of the Lord’s as to the sealing to my parents. Bless your heart. So much more to say….just know you are not alone. Laura
You are sealed to your spouse and that is sufficient for salvation.
You do not need to be sealed to your parents.