Why would I get a prompting to divorce if the Lord is against divorce?
Question
Dear Gramps,
I’ve always loved your site and hope you can answer a question my husband and I have been puzzling over!
Background: My husband and I have struggled greatly in the last year of our marriage. Many times while in the temple I have received the prompting that divorce is what I am supposed to do.
I’ve talked to my husband about it each time and we are both confused how I received this prompting when the Lord is so against divorce! (And so am I!)
Taylor
Answer
Dear Taylor,
I have many questions that I would ask you if we had the opportunity to discuss this in person. Since that is not an option, I’ll limit myself to one. When you contemplate divorce, do you feel peace?
My guess is no, or you wouldn’t be writing to me for advice. If you felt peace, you would boldly go forward with your decision knowing in your heart that it is the right one. “Do you feel peace” is also an important question because Satan sometimes tries to confuse and mislead us by imitating gifts of the Spirit. Elder Faust called him “The Great Imitator”. He said:
Who has not heard and felt the enticings of the devil? His voice often sounds so reasonable and his message so easy to justify. It is an enticing, intriguing voice with dulcet tones. It is neither hard nor discordant. No one would listen to Satan’s voice if it sounded harsh or mean. If the devil’s voice were unpleasant, it would not entice people to listen to it. (The Great Imitator)
Also consider:
Satan can imitate the gifts of tongues, prophecy, visions, healings, and other miracles. Moses had to complete with Satan’s imitations in Pharaoh’s court (See Exodus 7:8-22).
Satan wants us to believe in his false prophets, false healers, and false miracle workers. They may appear to be so real to us that the only way to know is to ask God for the gift of discernment. The devil himself can appear as an angel of light (see 2 Nephi 9:9).
Gospel Principles Manual Chapter 22: The Gifts of the Spirit
Taylor, Satan cannot imitate peace. I counsel you to ask the Lord if you should continue to work on your marriage and wait and see if that brings you some peace. Don’t accept an answer regarding your marriage until you do feel peace.
In some circumstances, abuse or adultery may be reason for divorce, but even then it can differ on a case by case basis. Prayer and waiting for an answer that brings you peace, would still be the best choice.
Gramps
I know of at least 2 people where they felt prompted to get a divorce.
For them, it WAS what the Lord wanted. Sometimes God can ask us to do things that may seem against established rules, but are nonetheless the best path for us.
In Israel, God commanded war, even after he said “Thou shalt not kill”. To the pioneers, he commanded polygamy, even when in the Book of Mormon he warned against it.
“To everything there is a season”. For some marriages, the only solution is divorce. Pray in the temple, fast, and you will receive and answer. And you will feel peace when you do.
Only God can know what is right- so continue to seek His will, and when you find it, obey it. 🙂
I don’t know what your situation is, but my husband did commit adultery. There was shock, hurt, anger, confusion, etc… I prayed to the a Lord earnestly to seek a divorce. We had kids, and I was asking for myself and them, as it wasn’t just me who was cheated. Every time I asked, I was so confused. I questioned my ability to be able to feel the Spirit, and thus my relationship with Heavenly Father. That should have been my first clue right there. It wasn’t until I started asking the right question about whether our family could be saved did I feel calmness. Tears dried up. There was an immediate sense of hope, and the work to heal began. Don’t get me wrong, there were still tough moments. But because I felt the Lord’s peace in acknowledging that our little family was to remain intact, it held me all the way through; even today almost 6 years later. Be patient for your peace. I know I had to wait for mine. And today, we are so much more strong and loving than ever before. It was totally worth it.
I was in a very emotionally abusive marriage to a nonmember. I was on my way to a nervous breakdown. I decided I had no other way out but to ask for a divorce. I did not want that, but i felt it was what I needed to do. I fasted and prayed about it with all my heart and asked Heavenly Father if my decision was the correct one. I felt perfect peace and have never once regretted that decision. True, the Lord doesn’t like divorce, but neither does He like His children to live in misery. Taylor, this is a decision that only you can make, but be sure the Lord speaks peace into yojur heart about it.
While I didn’t get a prompting that I should get a divorce I knew during my engagement that I needed to break off the engagement and not marry the man. I went ahead and married him anyway. I tried for two decades to save the marriage. Finally, I just couldn’t stay in the marriage any longer. I felt that divorce was the only way I could correct something I did wrong two decades earlier.
I agree with Robert here. One thing we need to remember though is that in a marriage we shouldn’t be demanding a high level of effort from our partner if we are not going to put that same level of effort in ourselves. I believe this is the downfall of so many marriages within the church. Just like oxen are supposed to be yoked equally, so are partners in a marriage. Let me illustrate:
If a wife expects her husband be a perfect priesthood holder, have a high paying job, a nice house, expensive cars, and money to do all the activities she wishes for her family from the beginning of the marriage, the husband better be able to expect a spotless house, 5-star meals, an obedient wife who follows her covenants as sworn in the temple, etc.
The problem is, the above example is highly unrealistic. That’s why when people get married, they need to have their expectations set at a more realistic level. For example:
A woman should desire a worthy priesthood holder as a spouse. In return, a husband should desire a woman who will add to his life, so that they can grow to become one over time.
If people are willing to yoke themselves equally, I believe it is possible for any marriage to succeed. However, when selfishness creeps in, that is when a marriage is heading for trouble. I say this because too many people in the church today commit the sin of coveting. They see what other people have and they want the same. It could be a nice house, a sweet ride, a remodeled kitchen, an iPhone or iPad, a new boat, yearly vacations for the family to Europe or Disneyland, and the list goes on and on. To this I borrow the words of Dieter F. Uchtdorf when he said, “Stop it!”
Remember President Wilford Woodruff’s counsel for marriage:
“When the daughters of Zion are asked by the young men to join with them in marriage, instead of asking—‘Has this man a fine brick house, a span of fine horses and a fine carriage?’ they should ask—‘Is he a man of God? Has he the Spirit of God with him? Is he a Latter-day Saint? Does he pray? Has he got the Spirit upon him to qualify him to build up the kingdom?’ If he has that, never mind the carriage and brick house, take hold and unite yourselves together according to the law of God.”
I believe this counsel not only applies for the single sisters, but also for the married ones as well.
On the other hand, the brothers should also seek to be righteous men. How you ask? It’s very simple. Don’t demand and be selfless. If you notice what the scriptures say about the type of men that were to be chosen as leaders, it speaks of those who hate covetousness.
Exodus 18:21
“Moreover thou shalt provide out of all the people able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness; and place such over them, to be rulers of thousands, and rulers of hundreds, rulers of fifties, and rulers of tens:”
In short, I believe being selfless will avoid most problems in a marriage. Why? Because a selfless husband and wife don’t yell at their significant other. A selfless husband and wife also don’t put each other down, but rather build each other up. Which means there is no room for mental, verbal, or physical abuse in a marriage. And lastly, a selfless husband and wife are happy with what they have and the direction their lives are going together, because they work together, and continue to build a future together.
But as far as receiving personal revelation about getting divorced, that’s not for me to decide but rather the person getting it. Even still, before throwing a marriage away, I would suggest that a person re-evaluate how they are yoked to their partner, whether it be equal or not. Sometimes it is not our partner who is the problem, but rather ourselves. And if that’s the case and one throws a sacred covenant away on an unfounded whim, it could make their life (and those of their spouse and children) much worse off than it ever was in the beginning.
We cast out our spouse. Remember, God cast out 1/3 of His children.
That is absolutely not true, Satan CAN influence someone while they are in the temple. As a means of proof: Unworthy people go to the temple all the time, unfortunately, so I don’t believe Satan and His hosts are prevented from being there. In the scriptures, in Moses chapter 1, Satan came to the holy place where Moses had just dwelt with God face to face, a temple-like place. A person’s heart has to be right and softened, repentant, humble, full of love, and then still may have to cast Satan out, in order for Satan to have no power to influence in the moment of seeking revelation. I must say boldly, Satan desires every latter-day Saint marriage to divorce! So if you pray to ask if you should divorce, I guarantee the first answer that will probably come to the soul, especially to the soul of a resentful non-repentant spouse who is not soft in heart, will be the pleadings of Satan, striving to mimic God, for that person to go through with it and divorce. Who was the first one to seek to answer Adam’s prayer? Satan! Who was the one to come to Jesus during His fasting and praying for 40 days? Satan! Who will be the first one to try to answer you when you ask God if you should divorce your spouse? Satan!
Marriages, even bad ones, are the highest covenant made and the most important priority in the LDS faith! Marriage is more important that church callings, than temple attendance, than missionary work, than the children, and above external relationships with friends, parents, or other family members. It is the means and the mechanism, the institution of exaltation, the only place where a person may overcome all of their weaknesses of impatience, pride, hate, and envy. No other institution can provide such character development as marriage between a man and woman, that is why it is hard. You can’t be exalted by ordinances alone, you have to have your special spouse and the character you are developing in that relationship along with worthiness and ordinances to inherit exaltation. Too many give up too easily!! Prophets, both President Hinckley and President Kimball said marriage is hard, even when all the conditions for successful marriage are met. Divorce is not a cure for unhappiness. Prophets have stated over and over again that justification for divorce is “rare,” so why is divorce not rare at all anymore, even among the latter-day Saints? Marriage is so disposable and for very shallow reasons now even among LDS Church members. I’ve been a marriage counselor for 13 years, most all issues, even adultery, pornography addiction, and emotional abuse can be worked through and worked out, and EVERY effort should be made to do so. Too many are too prudish towards their spouses imperfections!! Too many don’t seek to love their spouse for who they are and for where they are on their journey!! Physical abuse is the hardest of all things to reconcile, I believe. Additionally, every latter-day Saint woman I’ve spoken with who divorced claimed either verbal or emotional abuse or both. This is just over done! If someone does something that hurts another person emotionally, that does not constitute emotional abuse. If someone says an unkind word to another, that is not verbal abuse. Abuse is an act of some kind of violence towards an innocent victim. Usually, where divorce has occurred, there was harshness from both sides. It is rare to have one complete victim in a divorce. Having an argument where both parties say unkind things may not be abuse. As prophets have testified, it is always the result of selfishness that divorce has occurred, in clinical terms, we are talking narcissism. In almost all divorce cases that I see, there is a narcissist at play, with their emotional coldness, their need to look perfect in the Church, they are often strict temple goers, eager to do so much in the Church, but how were they treating their spouse? Were they as eager to serve their spouse as they are in a church calling, because the only calling that truly matters in the Church is spouse?!! Women are as guilty of this as men, and perhaps more so!
Wow– very good discussion, even with a bit of a timeline disparity. I appreciate both Roberts and Brandons’ insights. I believe we need to help one another fight for marriage, adjust expectations, etc. I can’t even begin to tell you how changed my views have been of myself, my spouse, and our marriage after only 20 years of marriage…..I have hope we can work towards 20 more…..most days. I believe we will both have many new observations and understandings about our marriage covenant and how we perceive our personal and coupled journey as time goes on. Oh, the places I’ll (we’ll) go and the more I’ll learn, if I am humble, look to God, and try to show complete commitment to this love we’ve invested in. Man, my husband and I are two very different and imperfect individuals…..and there have been many times I have received a “stone” instead of bread, emptiness for love, and scorn has replaced feelings of respect and delight for my spouse. Marriage is a very introspective exercise. I can’t control my husband’s choices, even hurtful ones, but I can certainly improve my relationship with the Lord and keep trying to better honor my calling as wife and mother.
Sometimes tough situations and exchanges can be seen as abuse…..as I even now feel constantly misunderstood and disregarded….but, my situation is uniquely mine. Judge for yourself, as you seek guidance from the Spirit. The Lord knows your situation. He’s all I have to turn to at times. But sometimes, others need help to see real abuse, as it is so psychologically damaging.
I have fought prompting in answer to prayer for 15 years that the man I married is not righteous and equally yoked. I believe both the prompting can be real and true and Gramps advice is dead on. My personal experience, if you receive clear revelation on this issue do not choose to go your own way. The Lord knows best. My desire to make this path work has only brought devastation to my children and strife in my efforts to be an honorable wife and a good mother. Difficult issue.